7 Reasons You Need to Stop Farting at Band Practice

The practice space is the hub of musical inspiration - the home to many musicians - and a refuge from the everyday stinks of life. To fill it full of farts is an abomination to all things music, and a possible hazard to everything important in life - and beyond. 

Here are 7 reasons you need to stop farting at band practice. 

1. All Nickelback Songs Were Written in a Room Full of Farts

According to Nickelback's Chad Kroeger, "How You Remind Me", "Bottoms Up", "Let 'er Rip", "Hot Butt", and "Steamy Sandwich" were all written in a room full of farts. 

This may be inspiration to some, but to most of us, this is a big. red. flag.


2. Farts are Extremely Flammable 

Over 5,000 fartastrophes are reported every single year - injuring dozens of bassists and drummers worldwide. The causes vary from fart-filled rooms, to rooms filled with farts - but the results are always the same: dozens of dollars lost in music gear.


3. Your Shitty Diet Doesn't Create Beneficial Gases

There is a 0% chance your diet will produce any valuable vapors. In fact, your daily consumption of fast foods, compounded with the occasional Chili-Slammer, creates a combination too toxic for most humans - and is the #4 cause of spontaneous combustion.   


4. The Human Fart Greatly Displaces Soundwaves

FLATUAUDIODISPLACIA - Also known as the Jovi Effect, is when sound waves come in direct contact with fartoids - disrupting the sound, and causing an incomplete and uncomfortable listening experience. This also hinders the band's ability to write a decent song, and forces the lead guitarist to play only through a Talk Box.


5. The Cost of Respirators has Increased by over 400%

According to the latest report in Survivalist & Investor Daily, the raw market price for respirators has doubled in the past quarter, coinciding with the release of KFC's new Triple Down (a Double Down fried in chili, then topped with MonstaCheeze #2). 

*This market is not expected to recover anytime soon, placing a huge financial burden on any music group in need of fresh air. 
**Also keep in mind, your vocalist is slightly uncomfortable singing through a respirator. 


6. You're Destroying the Ozone, and the Fines are Massive

Despite the EPA's current focus on tastier drinking cola, there still exists a small sector that's dedicated to the regulation of "overly-flatulated dwellings, that may be a threat to any atmosphere - including Earth's."

The $12 fine however, will stop you from purchasing that 2nd Chili-Slammer, and may help save your vocalist from Fartoxia.


7. Your Singer Could Suffer Great Vocal Damage

Many factors can attribute to your singer having difficulties with even the simplest yarl, but at the end of the day - an overly fartoxed mouth is probably the culprit. As seen in Diagram 3-11, the onset of type 2 fart spores will irritate the tonsils, swell the uvula, and sadden the throat.

Untreated cases of Fartoxia can also lead to fatigue, rendering your vocalist unable to assist with the loading, and unloading of gear. 


"No Farting At Band Practice" Awareness
Shirt, Hoodie, Mug, etc - Available Here:

(your purchase helps us invest in drum sticks, guitar strings, and coffee - thank you)

2017 - Paul Salmon

Paul is the bassist, keyboardist, and pilot of Barney Van Halen, and he writes exclusively for Music Bam International.

No comments:

Post a Comment